Can we be frank? No one cares about your vows except you. Which is exactly why you should feel free to indulge your every wedding whim.

Step 1: Sex them up

Make your vows sexy. Say things that make everyone—old and young alike—cringe with embarrassment.

Step 2: Hone your standup act

Treat your vows like a stand-up routine.

Step 3: Include inside jokes

Include lots of inside jokes. Who cares if no one at the service knows what the hell you’re talking about? This day is about you.

Step 4: Wax poetic

Set your vows in iambic pentameter. Everyone loves amateur poetry.

Step 5: Make them gag

Make your promises so touchy-feely, lovey-dovey, ooey, gooey, that your loved ones want to gag.

Step 6: Break into song

For truly memorable vows, break into song—preferably one you wrote yourself.

Step 7: Make it lengthy

Make your vows as long as possible. Hey, you may not have a captive audience like this ever again.