A dork-proof guide to romantic success.

Step 1: Make sure your target is female.

Let’s face it: anyone watching this instructional may be desperate enough to be fooled by a cunning tranny. Always beware of oversized hands and Adam’s apples, as these are indicative of masculinity. If you are unsure, check its knuckles, hands, and arms for signs of thick hair growth.

Step 2: Clean your apartment.

You can’t lie to us. We know how you live. Your target doesn’t and needs protection from the truth. To preserve the illusion of responsibility, you must sweep, mop, and dust. Don’t forget to wash your sheets.

Step 3: Get her drinking.

Get her tipsy. The world’s oldest and most basic seduction strategy is also its most powerful. Disguise your motivations by serving a chilled white wine. Wine is classy. Wine coolers, beer, and hard liquor are not. To appear sophisticated, memorize a passage from “Wine Spectator” and recite it while opening the bottle.

Step 4: Choose a foreign movie.

No. Not one of those skin flicks the French try to pass off as art. Choose something critics heralded for its “sparkling” dialogue. Something that will force your target to read.

Step 5: Recognize your moment and seize it.

When her eyes begin to glaze with effort, you must act. Gaze meaningfully into her eyes and make your move. Having quaffed two glasses of wine, she would rather make out than read subtitles.