Your momma always said you’d grow up to be president of the United States—but beyond that, she was a little vague? Here’s the parts she skipped.

Step 1: Be a citizen

Be a “natural born” United States citizen. This means you were born in the U.S. or in one of its territories, or — if you were born on foreign soil — both of your parents were American.

Step 2: Be at least 35

Be at least 35 years old. You might be 34 and wise beyond your years, but the rules still apply.

Step 3: Be tall

Be tall. Only a few presidents were below the average height, and that was a long time ago. Tall is a must for the big cheese. Short is for Congress and movie stars.

Step 4: Be white, male, and straight

Be white, male, and straight. So far, no other race, gender and sexual preference has even come close.

Step 5: Be Protestant

Be a Protestant. Sure, John F. Kennedy was a Catholic and Thomas Jefferson was agnostic, but that’s only two out of 42. Statistically, the overwhelming majority of Commanders in Chief have been Protestant. So even if you don’t believe in a Protestant God… fake it.

Step 6: Marry a woman

Be married, preferably to an attractive and likeable woman. Only one of all the Presidents was a lifelong bachelor. Americans don’t trust a single man in the top job.

Step 7: Be rich

Be rich. Forget being born in a lowly log cabin—only about two presidents were actually born poor, and that doesn’t include Abraham Lincoln, who was actually middle class. At least half of our Presidents were in the top 3% of society, with more than a dozen in the top 1%. Start saving your pennies now!

Step 8: Be Presidential

Be “presidential.” What does that mean? Well, adopt a thoughtful demeanor. Be truthful, but not necessarily honest. Talk about issues, but not necessarily solutions. Advocate policies that are in your own, your party’s, and your major donors’ best interest, but say they’re in the best interest of the country. That kind of thing.

Step 9: Keep your eye on the dream

Keep your eye on the dream. Anybody can become president if they really believe in themselves… unless, of course, they’re under 35, not a natural born citizen, Muslim, Mormon, Jewish, atheist, gay, bi, single, short, poor, vegan, honest, or hate to kiss ass or babies.

Good luck!