Needless to say, we’re talking minor traffic violations. If you’ve just led the cops on a high-speed chase down the freeway, you’re on your own.

Step 1: Pick your nose

Casually start picking your nose as the officer approaches. He’s apt to let you go with a warning so he won’t have to touch anything of yours.

Step 2: Start crying

Turn on the waterworks—the louder and more inconsolable sounding, the better. A crying woman makes people uncomfortable enough—imagine how unnerved the officer will be by a blubbering man.

Step 3: Pretend someone's pregnant

Play the pregnancy card—if you’re a woman, blame it on the hormones (assuming your sleek, rock-hard abs won’t betray you). Guys, say you need to get to your in-labor wife. What cop would stop you?

Step 4: Play the victim

Affect an air of vulnerability and victimhood. End each sentence with “sir” or “officer.” Mumble something about your dad’s bad temper and hint that this will no doubt incite your second beating this week.

Step 5: Begin blabbering

If all else fails, begin blabbering—as much and as fast as you can. Pretend you’re a professional auctioneer. This has the dual effect of scaring the officer away and tiring him out as he tries to follow along.