How To Break Up With Someone on Valentine’s Day

  • December 31, 2008
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So you can’t wait a minute longer—you have to break up today, even though it’s Valentine’s Day. Here’s how to do it without getting your personal parts handed to you.

You Will Need

  • Courage
  • Clichés
  • Patronizing speeches
How To Break Up With Someone on Valentine’s Day: Be a coward

Step 1: Be a coward

Take the cowardly way out and drop the bomb in an email. If you go with this option, take the day off so you can barricade yourself inside your home. Push the heaviest object you own against the front door. Or go on vacation.

How To Break Up With Someone on Valentine’s Day: Consider professional help

Step 2: Consider professional help

Consider hiring a professional breakup service. Some will do the deed in person, delivering a “Breakup Basket” that can include a CD of classic break-up songs and plenty of chocolate. Pricey? Yes. But remember all the money you’re saving on candlelit dinners.

How To Break Up With Someone on Valentine’s Day: Have a friend do it

Step 3: Have a friend do it

Have a friend handle the breakup for you. Pick someone who never liked your partner in the first place.

How To Break Up With Someone on Valentine’s Day: Do it in person

Step 4: Do it in person

If you can find the courage, do it in person. The classic setting is a fancy restaurant, where your partner won’t want to make a scene.

If you go with a restaurant, order a drink and entrée that won’t stain, just in case it does end up dumped on your head.

How To Break Up With Someone on Valentine’s Day: Brush up on clichés

Step 5: Brush up on clichés

Brush up on cop-out clichés, like, “It’s not you; it’s me,” “You deserve someone so much better,” and, “I just don’t know how to love.”

How To Break Up With Someone on Valentine’s Day: Practice speeches

Step 6: Practice speeches

Practice offering the usual patronizing speeches, like, “You’re going to meet someone wonderful who truly appreciates you for how special you are.”

How To Break Up With Someone on Valentine’s Day: Rehearse self-flagellation

Step 7: Rehearse self-flagellation

Rehearse the following until you can sound sincere saying it: “I know. I’m a jerk. I don’t deserve to be in the human race.”

How To Break Up With Someone on Valentine’s Day: Be prepared

Step 8: Be prepared

Be prepared to answer the inevitable query, “How could you do this to me on Valentine’s Day?!” The question will not be rhetorical.

Jennifer Lopez broke up with Sean “P. Diddy” Combs on Valentine’s Day in 2001.

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Comments (5)

Orayne_Gayle

That guy is from my wife and kids! Claire's boyfriend, with the zoo york tee.

over 3 years ago by Orayne_Gayle

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HeatherMenicucci

Hysterical!!!

over 3 years ago by HeatherMenicucci

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BCipolla

The restaurant breakup - classic!

over 3 years ago by BCipolla

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Concardne

Ahahah this site makes anything funny but it remains full of facts.

over 2 years ago by Concardne

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ablang

I like the woman who tore out the man's still beating heart... and the man crying and his mascara is running.

about 1 year ago by ablang

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