How To Break Up With Someone on Valentine’s Day

Consider hiring a professional breakup service. Some will do the deed in person, delivering a “Breakup Basket” that can include a CD of classic break-up songs and plenty of chocolate. Pricey? Yes. But remember all the money you’re saving on candlelit dinners.

Have a friend handle the breakup for you. Pick someone who never liked your partner in the first place.

If you can find the courage, do it in person. The classic setting is a fancy restaurant, where your partner won’t want to make a scene.

Brush up on cop-out clichés, like, “It’s not you; it’s me,” “You deserve someone so much better,” and, “I just don’t know how to love.”

Practice offering the usual patronizing speeches, like, “You’re going to meet someone wonderful who truly appreciates you for how special you are.”

Rehearse the following until you can sound sincere saying it: “I know. I’m a jerk. I don’t deserve to be in the human race.”

Be prepared to answer the inevitable query, “How could you do this to me on Valentine’s Day?!” The question will not be rhetorical.