How To Make Your Self-Righteous Friends Think You're Celebrating Earth Day

Drink green tea lattes and mention how you’re planning to go totally “locavore” in honor of this special day—that’s eco-lingo for eating locally grown food. When no one’s looking, go to McDonalds and eat a cow.

When your smug pals call your cell to ask what you’re doing to lessen your carbon footprint, breath heavily and say you can’t hear them because you’re biking up a hill on your way to work. Then step on the gas.

Spam all your friends with the link to an Earth Day petition. Put “Urgent” in the title of the email.

Put a sticker on your shirt, and when your friends ask you for an Earth Day donation, point to it. Say you got it for donating to a little girl’s Earth Day collection. Stickers can be had cheap from any toy store.

When the gang insists you help them pick up trash in some filthy park, say you’d like to but you’ve already committed to wreaking havoc in a secret eco-terrorism plot. Let them sniff some gasoline on your clothing, and then swear them all to secrecy.