Don’t think of it as spending New Year’s Eve alone; think of it as going to the most exclusive party mathematically possible.
You will need
- Plenty of champagne
- Paper plates
- Empty coffee cans
- Pots and pans
Step 1 Rent some videos Arrive at the video store five minutes before closing and agonize over the remaining DVDs: ‘Dora the Explorer’, ‘Bonanza’ and a German movie about people crying. Take all three — now is not the time to be proud.
Step 2 Open the champagne Upon returning home, open the bottle of champagne to alleviate your crushing disappointment.
Step 3 Make party favors Fashion New Year’s hats from paper plates and decorate with leftover holiday ribbons and bows. Fill empty coffee cans with handfuls of coins. Cover and shake. Voila – noisemakers! Reward your creative triumph by starting in on a second bottle of champagne.
No coffee cans or coins? No problem! Just bang some pots and pans every now and then.
Step 4 Dine like royalty Skip the usual ‘cereal for dinner’ and decide to make a big, comforting bowl of pasta primavera – only to realize you have no pasta, no vegetables, and no sauce. Curse the ‘You Will Need’ section.
Step 5 Get some take-out Get take-out for dinner instead. Search for take-out menus. Where are they? Maybe additional champagne will help you find them.
Quadruple your usual take-out order, like you’re expecting guests, to avoid a pitying look from delivery boy.
Step 6 Start drunk dialing Call your most recent significant other under the guise of ‘just wishing you a happy new year.’ Maintain composure when the person repeatedly says ‘Who? Who is this? I don’t know anyone by that name,’ while another voice in the background urges them to hang up and come back to bed.
Dial 67 before calling former lovers to disable caller ID. They might know it’s you, but they can’t prove it.
Step 7 Par-tay Don a homemade party hat and put the remainder on your pets. You can tell they like it by the growling and hissing. That third bottle of champagne isn’t going to open itself, you know.
Step 8 Pass out Lie down on the couch shortly before midnight and promptly pass out, missing the big moment. Wake up at 4 am with a throbbing headache and a horrible taste in your mouth. Stumble to the bathroom. Here’s to next year!
Seven percent of Americans don’t bother celebrating New Year’s Eve.