How To Get Your Guests To Leave

At the appointed time, start hinting that it’s time to hit the road by standing up, yawning audibly, and asking whether anyone needs a cab.

No movement? Go to the kitchen, wrap up some leftovers, and present them with the pointed remark, “Here’s a little something you can enjoy at home.”

Start cleaning up, and make sure to remove all munchies.

Change into your robe and slippers, and reemerge sporting a horrific mask of cold cream. Hum “The Party’s Over” under your breath.

Still no movement? Retrieve their coats and other belongings, and stand by the door.

If all else fails, say, "Wanna see my " and fill in: wedding video, grade school report cards, or great-grandmother’s spoon collection. If your guests are squeamish, offer to reveal your surgical scar or watch a birth video.

Enjoy the sound of silence.