How To Come Back From a Political Scandal

Wear a dark suit, white shirt, and — this is critical — a red, white, and blue striped tie with predominantly red stripes. Red is associated with power, courage, and directness, while blue is thought to evoke trust, stability, and calm. That combination — in those proportions — is what you’re looking for in your apology.

Convince your spouse to abandon every last shred of her pride, dignity, and self-respect by standing beside you at the podium.

Show how bad you feel by pursing your lips together as if you’re in actual physical pain.

Apologize to everyone—your family, your constituency, the country at large. And don’t forget the Big Guy.

Sprinkle your speech with words like, “heal,” “regret,” and “accept full responsibility.”

Downplay the wrongdoing—call it a “private” matter; frame it as “poor judgment,” rather than breaking the law; refer to your arrest as an “unfortunate incident.”

Hire a public relations firm to spin the story so you become the victim.

Prove you’re repentant by alerting the paparazzi to your meeting with a nationally-known spiritual adviser.

Arrange a sit-down with a TV reporter and do whatever it takes to get your wife to appear with you, holding your hand and gazing at you with adoration. Encourage her to laugh off your indiscretion as if you are nothing more than a naughty schoolboy.

When a decent amount of time has passed, try to get a spot on Saturday Night Live or the Late Show with David Letterman. Everyone likes a good sport.

Regain the public’s love by putting your energy into an altruistic endeavor like saving the earth. Or at least the dolphins.