How To Fake Your Way Through a Cocktail Party

Select a half dozen recently released, critically acclaimed books (no, Oprah’s latest selection doesn’t count) and hit the bookstore to read the jackets.

Find a frock at the toniest secondhand shop in your city. If anyone admires it, say, “This? Oh, my goodness, Posh/J. Lo/Beyoncé gave it to me when she tired of it; I suspect it no longer fit her.”

Once at the party, ask for a classic drink, like a Manhattan, to distinguish yourself from the chardonnay sheep.

Declare the drink “jejune/tentative/chaotic,” then enjoy the looks of partygoers as they struggle to decide if you like it or not. You can also apply these words to any artwork, artist, or art genre you’re asked to give your opinion on.

Pepper your speech with foreign phrases like “Quelle surprise!” (“What a surprise!); “C’est parfait!” (“It’s perfect!”); and “Bien sur!” (“Of course!”).

Make yourself sound like part of the upper class by assuming a pseudo-British accent (think Madonna). Pronounce vitamins, “vit-amins”; again, “A-gain”; and can’t, “cahnt.”

Drop the names of famous people (“Bono is so tiny in person”) and exotic locales (“For the best caviar, you really must go to the Caspian”). Notice you haven’t actually said you know Bono or have been to the Caspian.

Leave the party when you’ve just successfully told a joke or had a group mesmerized by one of your stories. Hint that you have another even more fabulous engagement to attend.