If Christmas carolers set your teeth on edge, here are some foolproof ways to get rid of them.
You will need
- Carolers to run off
- A messy lawn
- A quarantine sign
- Anti-Santa propaganda
- Rap music
Step 1 Make your place unwelcoming Make your property as unwelcoming as possible. Consider putting a junked car on the lawn alongside a stained mattress (think of them as your special holiday decorations). If you’re lucky enough to have snow, don’t shovel the walkway.
A rubber rat on top of an overflowing garbage can is a nice touch. No one will get close enough to see it’s fake.
Step 2 Hang quarantine sign Place this sign on your door: ‘Premises under quarantine due to Flesh Eating Virus, which is HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS. If you can read this message, you are already at risk.’
Step 3 Make noises If they are undaunted by your sign, make loud noises that suggest various ‘unnatural’ acts and/or horrific bodily functions. Perhaps this will dampen their holiday spirits.
Step 4 Display Santa hatred Display a large poster of Santa Claus with a black slash through it, or hang a dartboard with a photo of good ole St. Nick with several strategically placed darts.
Step 5 Blast rap music Counter their jolly ‘ho, ho, ho’s’ with some ho’s of your own–the kind referred to in many rap lyrics. Play at top volume.
Step 6 Ask for money Today it is a common practice for carolers to combine caroling with charity fundraising. Turn the tables and solicit donations for your own worthy cause–like a much-needed trip to Hawaii.
An Austrian union representing 100,000 retail workers said in 2003 that the incessant playing of Christmas carols was tantamount to “psychological terror.’