How to Survive Thanksgiving with Your Family

Forced feeding. Intrusive questions. Tipsy relatives. Stuffing. It's all part of Thanksgiving's charm, if you know how to finesse it.

You will need

  • A relaxation strategy
  • A party rental company
  • Some little white lies
  • A hearty appetite
  • Gratitude
  • Miniature bottles of liquor (optional) (optional) (optional)
  • Extra therapy sessions (optional) (optional) (optional)

Step 1 Prepare yourself Prepare yourself for the stress ahead by practicing deep breathing, meditating, or stocking up on mini bottles of booze that can be hidden in your clothes.

Step 2 Plan preemptive strikes Before your mom can ask, ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ or your dad can demand, ‘When are you going to get a real job?’ slyly hint at a potential romance/career advancement/Nobel Peace Prize nomination, then refuse to say another word lest you jinx it.

Step 3 Rent dishes Give your hostess—especially if that hostess is you—the perfect gift: rent dishes from a caterer. No more spending hours up to your elbows in turkey grease while the men in the family act like dishwashing is tantamount to castration.

Step 4 Play mind games When it’s time to go around the table and state what you’re grateful for, have a sentimental spiel ready about the person at the table whom you like least. It will completely throw them off their game.

Step 5 Eat Go ahead and gorge yourself. Though it is widely believed that people pack on five to ten pounds during the holiday season, the truth is that the average person gains less than a pound.

Step 6 Be grateful When all is said and done, be grateful that you are healthy enough to be celebrating Thanksgiving, prosperous enough to have to worry about overeating, and lucky enough to have loved ones to share the day with.

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