How To Fake a Knowledge Of Basketball

While you’re at it, check out the injury reports for both teams. Write down the name and ailment of one injured player for each side, and practice making mention of them during the game.

Use phrases like, “_Lambert would’ve had that rebound!” Or “Good thing they don’t have Boyd in the line-up!_”

Follow the crowd’s lead. Stand when they stand, cheer when they cheer, boo when they boo.

Bone up on basic basketball lingo. They’re not bouncing the ball, they’re “dribbling” it; when a player gets “fouled,” the shots he takes from the “foul line” are called “foul shots” or “free throws.”

Pick out a go-to phrase, like “Three in the key!,” which is good to yell whenever an offensive player, which is a player for the team with the ball, is lingering for more than 3 seconds in the “key,” which is the key-shaped box that…
Oh never mind, just shout it whenever a lot of people are crowded around the basket.

If anybody calls your bluff, immediately grow nostalgic. Mention how much “purer” the game was before the 24-second clock, the 3-point shot, or the A.B.A. merger came along.

End with a basketball-related joke, especially if your team loses. On the way out, turn to your companions and say, “Hey, we’ll win next time – we’re playing the Washington Generals!”

That’s a really bad team.