How To Go F**k Yourself

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You’ve just heard those 3 magic words, but you’re not sure what to do next. Fear not—this should help.
Added October 20, 2008

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You Will Need

A sense of self-importance
The need to be taken down a notch
A stupid face

Please, f**k yourself responsibly.
Step 1.
Realize you’re disliked

Realize that you may not be the most popular guy on the planet. Come to terms with this realization. Own it.
Step 2.
Clear your schedule

Clear your schedule for the day and eliminate any and all distractions from the task at hand.
Step 3.
Decide on action plan

Create an action plan. Do you want to be f**ked for life? Or just the afternoon?
While the exact meaning of the phrase is ambiguous, the intention is consistent. Basically, have a sh**ty day.
Step 4.
Tell everyone

Have you been cheating on your wife? How about your taxes? Time to own up, you lying turd! Pick up the phone and let them know what you really are. Don’t stop there—tell everyone!
Step 5.
Relinquish key possessions

Identify a few items you simply can’t live without…and get rid of them. Remember, you won’t need possessions down in hell!
Step 6.
Steer clear of sympathy

Don’t do anything drastic like set fire to one or both your legs. It’s not likely, but a serious and sudden injury might stir up sympathy for your miserable self, and that’s antithetical to your ultimate goal.
Step 7.
Get creative

Get creative! When it comes to f**king yourself, the options are endless.
Step 8.
Spread the love

While you’re on a roll, why not visit your boss, and tell him to go f**k himself too. Congratulations. You’re f**ked. And you did it all by yourself.
In 2004, Vice President Dick Cheney famously told Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy to go f**k himself. There is no law against obscene language by a vice president on the Senate floor.