How To Make Enemies

Look around. You’ve got a potential army of enemies standing right in front of you. They’re called friends! Failing to repay large sums of money, spreading rumors, and seducing their loved ones are great ways to give them the push they need towards enemy territory.

Be proactive! Spread the gospel by helping your friends make a few enemies of their own! You’ll be on their s**t list in no time.

It’s time to convert your coworkers. They may not like you, but they’re not your enemies—yet. Make “office tattletale” your secret job description. Ask female coworkers how long they’ve been expecting. Start a personal boycott on flushing in the office bathroom.

It’s the 21st century. If you’re not CC’ing everyone you know on at least three or four joke forwards and chain letters every single day, you’re missing out on the opportunity to make LOTS of new enemies.

By now you probably don’t have anyone left in your life, so if you want to keep making enemies, you’ll need to reach out to the community. That’s the ticket!

You’ve had a long day. Reward yourself with a visit to your favorite local restaurant. But careful, don’t tip! For good measure, tell them your reasons. You’re making enemies like a champ.