How To Be a Lame Duck

As the president, you have the power to hand your friends a get-out-of-jail-free card. You may have used it responsibly while in office, but now that there are no consequences, go crazy! Pardon anyone and everyone who could be useful to you in civilian life.

Reward your most stalwart supporters with presidential appointments that the Senate doesn’t have to confirm, like cushy Caribbean ambassadorships.

Declare war on Switzerland. How are you gonna stay neutral now, Miss Swiss Priss?

Veto legislation that is near and dear to your enemies’ hearts, just for funsies. And veto anything that would increase taxes for the rich. (Who’s ever heard of a poor ex-President?)

Take lots of long weekends. Who cares if the press calls you lazy?

Go ahead — enjoy an inappropriate relationship with that cute intern or lobbyist you’ve had your eye on. It’s not like a sex scandal can take you down at this point.

Enjoy Air Force One while you still can. And wouldn’t you enjoy it more if it were redecorated in a nice leopard print?

Make some fast cash renting out the Lincoln Bedroom.

Think ahead — soon you’ll be a lowly average citizen. Deport anyone you find annoying so there’s no chance you’ll have to deal with them in the real world.

Throw yourself a huge going-away party at Camp David. Don’t worry your pretty little head about cleaning up for your successor.

Sneak a resolution through Congress that gives every man, woman, and child in the U.S. a $5,000 check. Think of the instant goodwill! Sure, it will create a huge national deficit — but that’s not your problem anymore.