How to Be an Eco-Badass

Going green doesn’t have to mean going soft. With a few tips, you can be environmentally conscious and totally hard-core.

You will need

  • Hunting and gathering gear
  • Cold showers
  • Strength
  • Scaling equipment
  • Electrical know-how
  • Community-supported agriculture (optional)

Step 1 Hunt and gather Supermarkets and restaurants — who needs ’em? Hunt and gather your food! You’ll only eat what you can consume, not waste surplus and generate trash like you do with packaged or prepared foods.

Step 2 Control the temperature Turn off the heating and cooling systems in your home and train your body to withstand extreme conditions. While you’re at it, start taking cold showers. By not heating the water, you’ll save 36,000 Btus of energy per shower while boosting your badass quotient.

Step 3 Go running Get out of the gym — treadmills, ellipticals, and other machines rely on electricity, and most weight machines made from plastic and rubber take petroleum to produce. Instead, carry tourists across the street until you’re strong enough to compete in an underground fight club.

Step 4 Scale tall buildings Elevators are for energy suckers. Scale tall buildings with superhero-strength suction cups; rappel down the side when it’s time to descend. Or at least take the stairs.

Step 5 Make bedtime productive Think bedtime is wasted time? Build a generator that works off the air you breathe out to power your alarm clock. And remember: badasses don’t need a snooze button.