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You Will Need
- 7-day cleanses
- Positive thoughts
- Conspicuous consumption
- Cucumber smoothies
- Castor oil (optional)
Do the occasional 7-day cleanse. Eliminate dairy, grains with gluten, meat, shellfish, fatty nuts like peanuts and macadamias, condiments, sugar, alcohol, caffeine, soda, nightshade vegetables, and anything processed, including all soy products. The rest of the time, eat whatever you want -- except for sugar, white flour, dairy, and caffeine. Good luck!
Police your thoughts
Police your thoughts to replace negativity with sunshine and lollipops. Specifically, do not delight in the misfortunes of others -- as Gwyneth admitted on GOOP she once did when "something unfortunate and humiliating" happened to an ex-friend.
Turn off the tap
"Take your drinking water to the next level" with an alkaline filtration system. Surely clean water is worth the $900 price tag. And while you've got the credit card out, here's a tip: Women love the Hermes Cape Cod Watch. At $1,850, why not buy 2?
Exercise 3 hours per day, preferably with a personal trainer. But tell people you only work out half that time so they'll never be able to replicate your results.
Discover the classics, then urge everyone you know to do the same, as Gwyneth does on GOOP. Try not to be too disappointed to learn that most people already read them in high school.
If you successfully adhered to even one of these steps, congratulations! You deserve a drink -- a cucumber, basil, and lime concoction, to be exact. As Gwyneth says, pretend it's a mojito. I'm sorry -- are those negative thoughts we're sensing?