How to Write Truly Tasteless Wedding Vows
Can we be frank? No one cares about your vows except you. Which is exactly why you should feel free to indulge your every wedding whim.
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You Will Need
- Self-absorption
- Cheesiness
- No shame
Steps
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Step 1
Sex them up
Make your vows sexy. Say things that make everyone—old and young alike—cringe with embarrassment.
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Step 2
Hone your standup act
Treat your vows like a stand-up routine.
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Step 3
Include inside jokes
Include lots of inside jokes. Who cares if no one at the service knows what the hell you’re talking about? This day is about you.
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Step 4
Wax poetic
Set your vows in iambic pentameter. Everyone loves amateur poetry.
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Step 5
Make them gag
Make your promises so touchy-feely, lovey-dovey, ooey, gooey, that your loved ones want to gag.
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Step 6
Break into song
For truly memorable vows, break into song—preferably one you wrote yourself.
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Step 7
Make it lengthy
Make your vows as long as possible. Hey, you may not have a captive audience like this ever again.
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Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s wedding vows included a promise to make milkshakes. The marriage lasted four years.
