How To Get Your Seatmate To Shut the Hell Up

  • May 16, 2008
  • 7,575 Views

SheriffThompson from Colin Rich (and 4 others)

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Never be held captive by a talkative seatmate again.

You Will Need

  • A willingness to be rude
  • Reading material
  • Toenail clippers or floss that you’re not afraid to use
  • A sleep mask
How To Get Your Seatmate To Shut the Hell Up: Pretend not to speak any discernable language

Step 1: Pretend not to speak any discernable language

Pretend not to speak any discernible language. If you simply say, “No speak English,” a truly determined seatmate is apt to start showing off his knowledge of other native tongues, hoping to find one you have in common.

How To Get Your Seatmate To Shut the Hell Up: Be curt

Step 2: Be curt

If your seatmate has already heard you speaking English, limit your responses to “yes” and “no.” And make those two words sound as hostile as humanly possible.

Never make eye contact with your seatmate; this will only encourage him.

How To Get Your Seatmate To Shut the Hell Up: Have a book

Step 3: Have a book

Have a book in your hand and look riveted by it, as if it’s the most absorbing material you have ever laid your eyes on.

How To Get Your Seatmate To Shut the Hell Up: Gross him out

Step 4: Gross him out

If the book doesn’t deter, gross your seatmate out by taking care of some personal hygiene at your seat, like clipping your toenails or flossing your teeth. Your goal is to turn yourself into someone he’ll want to avoid.

How To Get Your Seatmate To Shut the Hell Up: Respond in kind

Step 5: Respond in kind

Become an unbearable chatterbox yourself. Answer one of his questions with a steady monologue that allows him no chance to respond. Whenever he tries to interject, just raise your voice and keep on talking.

Ask him something that will make him want to get away from you.

How To Get Your Seatmate To Shut the Hell Up: Pretend to sleep

Step 6: Pretend to sleep

If flying toenails, teeth gunk, long-winded speeches, and talk of STDs haven’t put off your seatmate, don a sleep mask and commence a gentle snore. Only the world’s biggest dullard would continue talking to an unconscious person.

Twenty-four percent of people polled named Oprah Winfrey as their first choice for airplane seatmate, followed by Bill Gates (23%) and Angelina Jolie (22%).

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Comments (4)

Member08

Or you could begin to speak russian with a slightly higher voice. That could help.

over 3 years ago by Member08

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dogtide

funny.

over 2 years ago by dogtide

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JeanBaptiste_Le_Pesant

That's a cool one

over 2 years ago by JeanBaptiste_Le_Pesant

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Pigaroo

I can't believe there would be someone so annoying and talktive! Maybe just ask them to shut the hell up! Or find another seat!

over 2 years ago by Pigaroo

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