How to Break Up with Someone on Valentine's Day

So you can't wait a minute longer—you have to break up today, even though it's Valentine's Day. Here's how to do it without getting your personal parts handed to you.

You will need

  • Courage
  • Clichu00e9s
  • Patronizing speeches

Step 1 Be a coward Take the cowardly way out and drop the bomb in an email. If you go with this option, take the day off so you can barricade yourself inside your home. Push the heaviest object you own against the front door. Or go on vacation.

Step 2 Consider professional help Consider hiring a professional breakup service. Some will do the deed in person, delivering a ‘Breakup Basket’ that can include a CD of classic break-up songs and plenty of chocolate. Pricey? Yes. But remember all the money you’re saving on candlelit dinners.

Step 3 Have a friend do it Have a friend handle the breakup for you. Pick someone who never liked your partner in the first place.

Step 4 Do it in person If you can find the courage, do it in person. The classic setting is a fancy restaurant, where your partner won’t want to make a scene.

Step 5 Brush up on clichés Brush up on cop-out clichés, like, ‘It’s not you; it’s me,’ ‘You deserve someone so much better,’ and, ‘I just don’t know how to love.’

Step 6 Practice speeches Practice offering the usual patronizing speeches, like, ‘You’re going to meet someone wonderful who truly appreciates you for how special you are.’

Step 7 Rehearse self-flagellation Rehearse the following until you can sound sincere saying it: ‘I know. I’m a jerk. I don’t deserve to be in the human race.’

Step 8 Be prepared Be prepared to answer the inevitable query, ‘How could you do this to me on Valentine’s Day?!’ The question will not be rhetorical.