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How to Make Self-Righteous Friends Think You're Celebrating Earth Day

Earth Day is coming up and your holier-than-thou, tree-hugging friends are driving you crazy. Shut them up by making yourself look like the meanest, greenest mother on the block.


  • Step 1: Wear a dirty outfit Wear an outfit that looks like it hasn’t been washed in weeks. Tell your carbon-neutral cohorts you’ve just gotten back from an early morning tree planting ceremony.
  • TIP: Put an Earth Day countdown button on your website to show your excitement. You can get one at "":
  • Step 2: Drink green tea lattes Drink green tea lattes and mention how you’re planning to go totally 'locavore' in honor of this special day--that’s eco-lingo for eating locally grown food. When no one’s looking, go to McDonalds and eat a cow.
  • Step 3: Pretend to be biking to work When your smug pals call your cell to ask what you’re doing to lessen your carbon footprint, breath heavily and say you can’t hear them because you’re biking up a hill on your way to work. Then step on the gas.
  • Step 4: Spam your friends with petitions Spam all your friends with the link to an Earth Day petition. Put 'Urgent' in the title of the email.
  • Step 5: Show your sticker Put a sticker on your shirt, and when your friends ask you for an Earth Day donation, point to it. Say you got it for donating to a little girl’s Earth Day collection. Stickers can be had cheap from any toy store.
  • Step 6: Say you’re an eco-terrorist When the gang insists you help them pick up trash in some filthy park, say you’d like to but you’ve already committed to wreaking havoc in a secret eco-terrorism plot. Let them sniff some gasoline on your clothing, and then swear them all to secrecy.
  • FACT: Next to Christmas and Halloween, Earth Day inspires the most school-related activities.

You Will Need

  • Dirty old clothing
  • A green tea latte
  • A sticker
  • A small amount of gasoline

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