How to Micromanage like a Real ass****

These days, “micromanage” has become a dirty word. But let’s be honest—most employees need a lot of guidance not to screw things up.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Control, critique, choke Repeat the mantra 'control, critique, choke' while imagining that you are a giant octopus with tentacles capable of reaching all those who report to you.
  • Step 2: Document wasted time Note what time your staff comes into the office and how long they take for lunch. If possible, monitor time spent on personal calls and chatting with coworkers. Document this information for future use.
  • Step 3: Overexplain Assign a task, spelling out in painful detail how it should be done. Remember, nothing is too obvious to explain.
  • Step 4: Monitor Ten minutes later, go over to monitor how much progress has been made and make certain everyone is following your directions to a T.
  • TIP: Interrupt the employees at 15-minute intervals and ask for status updates.
  • Step 5: Squash dissent If an employee suggests approaching the task another way, shut him down quickly and forcefully.
  • Step 6: Interrupt Schedule frequent progress meetings throughout the day.
  • Step 7: Find tiny errors While carefully reviewing someone’s work, be sure to find at least one error so you can return the submission. Check the font, line spacing, margins—all the minutia. Indicate any errors in bold red pen.
  • TIP: Make sure to create expectations that they could never fulfill—but don’t bother to communicate them until they’ve failed. This is an excellent way to encourage someone to quit.
  • Step 8: Correct mistakes Tell the employee how to correct each mistake, taking more time to explain than it would to simply do it.
  • FACT: According to one survey, 79% of workers say they have been micromanaged, with 71% indicating that it has interfered with their ability to perform their job.

You Will Need

  • A staff to micromanage
  • Self-doubt
  • Inability to trust others
  • And a perfectionist streak

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