How to Have an Extreme Earth Day

Honor Earth Day by completely obliterating your carbon footprint.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Begin the day by not bathing Begin the day by not bathing. And, sorry, no using antiperspirant either. Or any other beauty products.
  • Step 2: Unplug all appliances Unplug every single appliance in the house, including your coffeemaker. Wake yourself up with a bracing cup of rainwater instead.
  • Step 3: Turn off the heat Turn off the heat in your house. Think of it this way--it will prevent you from sweating, and that’s a good thing, considering you’re going to leave the house un-bathed and sans deodorant.
  • Step 4: Leave your car at home Find a way to get to work without your car. Public transportation or hitching a ride is okay, but walking is better.
  • TIP: If someone gives you a ride, be sure to harass them about staying well under the speed limit--so as not to waste precious fuel.
  • Step 5: Give everyone a mug At work, provide everyone with old coffee mugs you’ve helpfully recycled. Then lock up the disposable coffee cups to enforce compliance.
  • Step 6: Green the office restrooms Bathrooms can be very wasteful--be particularly vigilant today to reign in the use of water, paper, and electricity. For example, replace toilet paper with used copier paper.
  • Step 7: Unplug the computers Every time your coworkers leave their desks, unplug their computers. They draw power even when they’re asleep—or off. Also unplug the copier whenever it is not in use. Everyone will have the opportunity to thank you for caring about the Earth while waiting for the machine to warm up over and over again.
  • Step 8: Purchase a locally-grown lunch Purchase a locally-grown lunch. If there’s no such thing available, skip lunch. Feel virtuous as everyone else chows down.
  • Step 9: Party like it’s 1899 Party like it’s 1899. Go home, light some soy candles, prepare a simple repast that requires no refrigeration or heating, and then bide your time reading until it’s time to go to bed.
  • Step 10: Sleep like a baby Sleep like a baby knowing that, at least for one day, your carbon footprint could barely be seen.
  • FACT: Earth Day was started in 1970.

You Will Need

  • Discipline
  • Sacrifice
  • The willingness to annoy others

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