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How Not To Interview For College

Have a pesky college interview? Follow our guidelines and you’re sure to make a deep and abiding impression.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Arrive with an open mind Don’t bother reading any of the materials the university sent you—you know, the stuff that is now propping up your lava lamp.
  • Step 2: Dress comfortably First impressions are so important, so select your clothes with care. Nothing suggests serious scholar like the goth look.
  • Step 3: Have your body speak volumes Body language reveals a lot about an individual, so be sure to yawn loudly, check your watch repeatedly, roll your eyes occasionally, and slouch in the chair with your legs spread as wide as possible.
  • TIP: Chewing gum is a good way to relax and keep breath fresh. Arrive with a big gob of bubble gum in your mouth; snap it at the highest decibel level you can achieve.
  • Step 4: Keep replies simple If you give more than a 'yeah' or 'nah' reply, punctuate your sentences with 'uh,' 'like,' and 'you know.' Address your interviewer, regardless of gender, as 'dude'.
  • Step 5: Talk on the phone Be sure to receive a call while you’re being interviewed. This shows you’re well-rounded—and a loyal friend. Unless you use this opportunity to gossip or loudly criticize the caller, which just shows you have spunk.
  • TIP: If your phone isn’t handy, demonstrate your resourcefulness by borrowing the interviewer’s.
  • Step 6: Don�t ask questions When the interviewer asks if you have any questions, 'nah' is a fine response. Or, if you feel you must ask a question, limit it to information contained in the school materials you have received but not read.
  • Step 7: Be honest When the interviewer asks why you are considering this particular school, answer honestly: it’s just your safety school; your parents forced you to apply; and/or the drinking age is lower in that state.
  • TIP: Doodle on a notepad during the meeting; a caricature of the interviewer is always a nice touch.
  • Step 8: End on a personal note At the interview’s conclusion, mumble 'yeah, whatever,' spraying a nice dose of saliva as you play with your tongue piercing. Make it obvious that you never caught the interviewer’s name.
  • FACT: The typical college interview lasts about 45 minutes.

You Will Need

  • A blasu00e9 attitude
  • Casualu2014bordering on offensiveu2014clothing
  • Bubble gum
  • And a cell phone
  • A notepad and penu2014donu2019t worry
  • not for taking notes (optional)

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