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How to Become President

Your momma always said you'd grow up to be president of the United States -- but beyond that, she was a little vague? Here’s the parts she skipped.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Be a citizen Be a 'natural born' United States citizen. This means you were born in the U.S. or in one of its territories, or — if you were born on foreign soil — both of your parents were American.
  • Step 2: Be at least 35 Be at least 35 years old. You might be 34 and wise beyond your years, but the rules still apply.
  • TIP: That’s pretty much it for the official rules. But while the U.S. Constitution made the requirements of becoming president very simple, the unofficial rules are, well… a bit more limiting. We’ll explain.
  • Step 3: Be tall Be tall. Only a few presidents were below the average height, and that was a long time ago. Tall is a must for the big cheese. Short is for Congress and movie stars.
  • Step 4: Be white, male, and straight Be white, male, and straight. So far, no other race, gender and sexual preference has even come close.
  • TIP: This unofficial rule could have an expiration date of November 2008.
  • Step 5: Be Protestant Be a Protestant. Sure, John F. Kennedy was a Catholic and Thomas Jefferson was agnostic, but that’s only two out of 42. Statistically, the overwhelming majority of Commanders in Chief have been Protestant. So even if you don’t believe in a Protestant God… fake it.
  • Step 6: Marry a woman Be married, preferably to an attractive and likeable woman. Only one of all the Presidents was a lifelong bachelor. Americans don’t trust a single man in the top job.
  • Step 7: Be rich Be rich. Forget being born in a lowly log cabin—only about two presidents were actually born poor, and that doesn’t include Abraham Lincoln, who was actually middle class. At least half of our Presidents were in the top 3% of society, with more than a dozen in the top 1%. Start saving your pennies now!
  • TIP: It helps to be a 'power napper.' Thanks to non-stop campaigning and fundraising, presidential candidates often need to be fully functional on little or no sleep.
  • Step 8: Be Presidential Be 'presidential.' What does that mean? Well, adopt a thoughtful demeanor. Be truthful, but not necessarily honest. Talk about issues, but not necessarily solutions. Advocate policies that are in your own, your party’s, and your major donors’ best interest, but say they’re in the best interest of the country. That kind of thing.
  • Step 9: Keep your eye on the dream Keep your eye on the dream. Anybody can become president if they really believe in themselves… unless, of course, they’re under 35, not a natural born citizen, Muslim, Mormon, Jewish, atheist, gay, bi, single, short, poor, vegan, honest, or hate to kiss ass or babies. Good luck!
  • FACT: Only six of all the U.S. presidents have been left-handed.

You Will Need

  • A valid U.S. birth certificate
  • Lots of money
  • A gargantuan ego
  • A law degree

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