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How to Survive a Bad Table at a Wedding

Your nearest and dearest are enjoying newly-wedded bliss, and you're suffering at a table of freaks. It's time to call on your social survival skills.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Smile Smile. Your newly married pals thoughtfully seated you at a table of mutants, but if you're smiling, no one can tell that you're fantasizing about your sweet, sweet revenge.
  • Step 2: Adopt a new persona Embrace your theatrical side. If you've ever wanted to try out that Australian accent, or fake a career in the music industry, or change your name to "Viper," now's the time.
  • Step 3: Mingle There's nothing wrong with a little table-hopping. Visit your friends across the dance floor frequently, and keep them updated with the best instances of weirdness from your table.
  • TIP: If you're totally on your own, excuse yourself and call a friend who can help you laugh about your predicament.
  • Step 4: Get tipsy If you're over 21, a well-timed cocktail may put you in a better mood. If nothing else, it'll give you an excuse to escape your table, visit the bar, and meet that cute bartender.
  • TIP: Don't get wasted. You'll unwittingly become one of the weirdos you've been trying to avoid.
  • Step 5: Forget English The guy sitting next to you has been talking your ear off since the best man's toast. Make it clear that you don't speak his language.
  • Step 6: Fake a believable illness Are you mildly allergic to the cake? Does restless leg syndrome force you to keep moving? Pick an ailment, and stick with it.
  • FACT: According to a survey, one of the top ten complains from wedding guests is "being seated at a table where you know no one."

You Will Need

  • A sense of humor
  • A good attitude
  • Booze

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