Instructions

• Step 1: Make your place unwelcoming Make your property as unwelcoming as possible. Consider putting a junked car on the lawn alongside a stained mattress (think of them as your special holiday decorations). If you’re lucky enough to have snow, don’t shovel the walkway.
• TIP: A rubber rat on top of an overflowing garbage can is a nice touch. No one will get close enough to see it’s fake.
• Step 2: Hang quarantine sign Place this sign on your door: 'Premises under quarantine due to Flesh Eating Virus, which is HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS. If you can read this message, you are already at risk.'
• Step 3: Make noises If they are undaunted by your sign, make loud noises that suggest various 'unnatural' acts and/or horrific bodily functions. Perhaps this will dampen their holiday spirits.
• Step 4: Display Santa hatred Display a large poster of Santa Claus with a black slash through it, or hang a dartboard with a photo of good ole St. Nick with several strategically placed darts.
• Step 5: Blast rap music Counter their jolly 'ho, ho, ho’s' with some ho’s of your own--the kind referred to in many rap lyrics. Play at top volume.
• Step 6: Ask for money Today it is a common practice for carolers to combine caroling with charity fundraising. Turn the tables and solicit donations for your own worthy cause--like a much-needed trip to Hawaii.
• FACT: An Austrian union representing 100,000 retail workers said in 2003 that the incessant playing of Christmas carols was tantamount to "psychological terror.'

You Will Need

• Carolers to run off
• A messy lawn
• A quarantine sign
• Anti-Santa propaganda
• Rap music