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How to Be a Rabid Football Fan

Here’s how to put the “fan” in “fanatic supporter of a football team.”


  • Step 1: Pick a favorite team. Pick one close to where you live if you want to attend games or sympathetic sports bars.
  • Step 2: Buy a bunch of merchandise with the team’s logo on it.
  • TIP: Giant novelty foam 'Number 1' fingers can be used regardless of your team’s current ranking.
  • Step 3: Purchase a team jersey. Officially licensed products are comfortable and durable, but bootleg t-shirt jerseys are cheap and give your cheering gravitas.
  • Step 4: Purchase paint in your favorite team’s colors. As this will be going on your skin, avoid lead-based mixtures.
  • Step 5: Buy permanent dye in your team’s colors and color your hair.
  • TIP: Temporary hair coloring will mark you as a Johnny-come-lately and invite scorn from more established rabid fans.
  • Step 6: Purchase season tickets, provided that your team plays within traveling distance. A true fan will drive up to 400 miles roundtrip weekly for his team.
  • Step 7: Buy a television sports package that covers all of your team’s games if you cannot get tickets.
  • Step 8: In preparation for the season, call in to radio sports talk programs and speculate about your team’s fortunes.
  • TIP: Disagree vehemently with the radio host, no matter what he says.
  • Step 9: On game days, put on your jersey and face paint and bring any portable team accessories to the stadium. Take off your jersey and paint the words 'GO TEAM' or some local approximation on your chest, should the weather allow for it.
  • Step 10: Attend the game and cheer for your team.
  • Step 11: If your team wins, secretly believe that it was because of your cheering.
  • Step 12: If your team does not win, call in to another talk radio program and insist that the team needs a new coach or quarterback.
  • TIP: If the host disagrees with you, question his patriotism.
  • Step 13: Repeat steps 8 through 12 throughout the duration of the season.
  • FACT: The Buffalo Bills lost four Super Bowls in a row, from 1990 to 1993.

You Will Need

  • Guts
  • Face paint
  • Temporary hair color
  • A team jersey
  • Assorted team merchandise

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