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How to Talk Your Way Out of a Speeding Ticket

Needless to say, we're talking minor traffic violations. If you've just led the cops on a high-speed chase down the freeway, you're on your own.


  • Step 1: Pick your nose Casually start picking your nose as the officer approaches. He’s apt to let you go with a warning so he won’t have to touch anything of yours.
  • Step 2: Start crying Turn on the waterworks--the louder and more inconsolable sounding, the better. A crying woman makes people uncomfortable enough--imagine how unnerved the officer will be by a blubbering man.
  • Step 3: Pretend someone's pregnant Play the pregnancy card--if you’re a woman, blame it on the hormones (assuming your sleek, rock-hard abs won’t betray you). Guys, say you need to get to your in-labor wife. What cop would stop you?
  • TIP: If asked, 'Do you know why I stopped you?'--for goodness’ sake, act dumb. True, ignorance is no excuse under the law, but willful disobedience is even worse.
  • Step 4: Play the victim Affect an air of vulnerability and victimhood. End each sentence with 'sir' or 'officer.' Mumble something about your dad’s bad temper and hint that this will no doubt incite your second beating this week.
  • Step 5: Begin blabbering If all else fails, begin blabbering--as much and as fast as you can. Pretend you’re a professional auctioneer. This has the dual effect of scaring the officer away and tiring him out as he tries to follow along.
  • FACT: The first speeding ticket was issued in Ottawa in 1910 to the Prime Minister of Canada’s wife--for going faster than 10 miles per hour.

You Will Need

  • Chutzpah
  • Acting Ability
  • Shamelessness

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