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How to Pull Off the Best Touchdown Celebration

You've built a reputation for the depths you'll plumb to get attention. Now, here's the perfect opportunity to move from great to legendary.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Taunt them Taunt the opposition with a triumphant electric slide, a James Brown shuffle, or a moonwalk, especially if your team is losing by 70 points or more.
  • Step 2: Dunk the ball Dunk the ball through the uprights, using a stepladder you brought to the sidelines for just such an occasion.
  • Step 3: Call friend Use your cell to call a friend with whom you've just had a fight, telling him to tune into the game. Pretend not to be able to hear his stunned apologies over the rabid crowd noise.
  • TIP: Narcissism doesn't have to be a dirty word. There is an "I" in "Team": You.
  • Step 4: Jump into the crowd Run out of the end zone. Ignoring your team, vault into the arms of adoring fans in the box seats.
  • Step 5: Negotiate your next deal Invite the owner to the end zone in front of millions of fans to renegotiate your contract. If they fail to show up, take the ball and go home.
  • Step 6: Suffer a wardrobe malfunction Suffer a wardrobe malfunction, perhaps revealing your end zone. Earn extra points for publicly blaming it on an unfortunate childhood or an overdose of cold medication.
  • TIP: Afterward, declare your innocence on talk shows and wait for endorsement contracts to roll in.
  • Step 7: Arrange dance production Cue a full production dance number with a beauty in a flowing gown and a cheerleader chorus line. This could land you a shot on a star-filled reality TV competition in the off-season.
  • FACT: Three Miami Dolphins players were fined $10,000 each for end-zone dancing in 2008.

You Will Need

  • Rhythm
  • Stepladder
  • Cell phone
  • Choreography

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