How to Bluff Your Way through an IRS Audit

So your creative accounting has finally caught up with you. Now you’re going to really have to use your noodle if you’re going to survive the audit.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Gather your documents Gather all documentation—and by that we mean put together as many cartons of paperwork as you can, no matter how irrelevant. On D-day, have everything delivered to your auditor in a trailer.
  • TIP: Take any smoking guns—like the W-2 that proves you made $156,000, not the $15,600 you claimed—and make them too gross to handle. A few smudges or stains—or the strategically placed booger—will deter close examination.
  • Step 2: Dress for success Dress for success—or, in your case, to confound. Auditors spend their days adrift in a bland sea of paperwork. Be a bright spot in their dull day.
  • Step 3: Speak no evil When the auditor begins asking questions, try repeating 'No comprendo' over and over. Or start asking him questions about his taxes.
  • Step 4: Talk like an auctioneer If the 'no speak English' thing doesn’t work out, try the opposite—speak so fast that the auditor can’t catch a word of what you’re saying.
  • Step 5: Spin the lies When confronted with incontrovertible proof that you willfully misrepresented your earnings, say that you are not trying to deceive the government; you are protesting the tax laws. Not unlike those noble folks who threw the Boston Tea Party, thank you very much.
  • Step 6: Squeal like a pig If the auditor is not buying your patriotic ploy, throw loved ones under the bus. Offer to tip off the to ten tax cheats in return for immunity.
  • Step 7: Prepare for prison While waiting for the to get back to you—they have 28 months to decide your fate—take a weight training class. It will stand you in good stead if you’re not lucky enough to be sent to Club Fed.
  • FACT: About half the people who appeal an auditor’s findings get their tax bill reduced.

You Will Need

  • Pounds of paperwork
  • The right clothes
  • The ability to speak fast
  • Faux sincerity
  • People to betray

Popular Categories