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How to Evade Your Taxes

If you agree with the late Leona Helmsley that taxes are just for the “little people,” you’ve come to the right place.


  • Step 1: Start a religion Declare yourself a cleric and start a religion—the clergy is exempt from paying taxes. Hey, if a science fiction writer did it, so can you!
  • Step 2: Become a celebrity Become a celebrity—everyone knows they don’t handle their own finances. That way, if you’re caught, you can just blame it on your manager or accountant.
  • TIP: This tip might be coming too late, but if you never, ever file a tax return, you might be able to fly under the IRS radar.
  • Step 3: Invest in an abusive tax shelter Find and invest your money in an abusive tax shelter. If caught, pretend you thought the business was legit.
  • Step 4: Stash your money overseas Stash your money in foreign bank accounts where you won’t be required to pay U.S. tax—the Cayman Islands, for example.
  • Step 5: Find off-the-books employment Find off-the-books employment where you are paid in cold, hard cash. So much less paperwork this way, for both you and your employer!
  • Step 6: Become self-employed Become self-employed, and then find so many business expenses and declare so little income that you don’t owe any taxes. You can pull this stunt two out of five years before the IRS declares your 'business' a 'hobby.'
  • Step 7: Claim a bazillion dependents Claim so many dependents that you make Mother Goose look like an amateur. Claim a charitable donation to an anti-birth control organization to make all those little exemptions look believable.
  • Step 8: Move abroad Move abroad to take advantage of the foreign earned income exclusion, which allows you to exclude income earned for personal services performed in a foreign country. Switzerland is a lovely, neutral country.
  • FACT: You don’t automatically get sent to jail for not paying your taxes unless your evasion involves massive fraud or is on a large scale.

You Will Need

  • Audacity
  • A good lawyer if youu2019re caught

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