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How Not to Write a College Admissions Essay

The college admissions essay is your opportunity to distinguish yourself from the mob of applicants. Follow these steps and stand out you will!


  • Step 1: Wait until the last minute Don't give the essay a moment's thought until the night before it's due.
  • Step 2: Write down any old thing Write down whatever the heck you feel like, paying no mind to the suggested topics. Shouldn't schools value creativity?
  • TIP: Ignore instructions about word length, line spacing, and margins.
  • Step 3: Prepare a snack Halfway through, prepare a snack to help you think more clearly. Doze off for a while.
  • TIP: Don't be concerned if a little pizza grease ends up on the essay. Admission counselors know that genius can't be found on an empty stomach.
  • Step 4: Phone friends Phone all your friends and classmates to ask what they said in their essays, but never get beyond the topic of the cute substitute chem teacher.
  • Step 5: Plagiarize Borrow the book report that earned your fifth-grade sibling an "A." Incorporate any plot summary into your essay, tweaking some details to make the story your own.
  • Step 6: Trust yourself Mail the essay without letting anyone review it.
  • Step 7: Shrug off rejection Don't let it bother you when you receive a rejection letter stating, "We found it interesting that your life so closely mirrored that of Johnny Appleseed." That's a compliment—he's an American icon!
  • FACT: More than 50% of college applicants are rejected by their first choice school.

You Will Need

  • Laziness
  • A bad attitude
  • And no problem with plagiarizing

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