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How to Survive While Lost on a Mysterious Island

So you're lost – stranded on a strange island with backstabbing castaways, unexplained hatches, and shape-shifting monsters. Not to worry. Staying alive is as easy as 1, 2, 3…4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Follow the doctor Follow the doctor's orders. After the crash, you're probably in need of medical attention, and the doctor seems like he knows what he's doing. Do what he says, at least until he turns whiny and neurotic.
  • Step 2: Be attractive If at all possible, be really attractive. Sure, you're stuck on a remote island that's apparently been lost in time, but that's no reason to let your grooming slip. Make sure your hair is coiffed and your clothes are stylishly tattered. Otherwise, you risk being relegated to the background, carrying logs while the pretty people make all the decisions.
  • TIP: If you can't be attractive, be fat and lovable.
  • Step 3: Keep secrets Keep secrets. If you find something weird on the island – a medical supply station, a polar bear, your dead father – for the love of God, don't tell anyone. Hang onto this information for as long as possible, just to keep things interesting.
  • Step 4: Make up nicknames To pass the time, make up a series of cute but increasingly annoying nicknames for your fellow castaways.
  • TIP: When in doubt, blow something up. You've got your reasons. Nobody else has to know why.
  • Step 5: Don't resolve your issues Whatever you do, do not resolve any deep-seated issues from your past. Coming to terms with your daddy issues or finally kicking your heroin habit will only result in your tragic demise.
  • Step 6: Come back to life If you do die, don't worry about it. You might not actually be dead, or you might come back as a ghost, or in somebody else's flashback. It's confusing, but if you stick it out, everything will make sense in the end. Hopefully.
  • FACT: If you prove to be unpopular on the island, you could end up being buried alive.

You Will Need

  • Impossible good looks
  • The ability to keep secrets
  • Persistent
  • unresolved issues
  • Supernatural abilities (optional)

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