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How to Blow Someone Off

A persistent suitor is flattering until you start worrying about coming home to a scene from _Fatal Attraction_.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Offer no reason Turn them down -- and this is key -- without offering a reason. You can’t tell the truth -- that you’d rather have dinner with a convict -- and they’ll just try to argue whatever excuse you offer.
  • TIP: If you already committed to a date and then changed your mind, call them at the last possible moment and claim you’re 'kind of not feeling great' or 'got busy.'
  • Step 2: Oppose their politics If your firm 'No, thank you' didn’t work, ask them if they’re a Democrat or a Republican -- then pretend to be a die-hard member of the opposite party.
  • TIP: If they’re a Democrat, say you love Ann Coulter. If they’re a Republican, say you adore Hillary Clinton.
  • Step 3: Oppose them on everything Repeat this contrary tactic by asking their take on as many topics as possible. Whatever their answer, roll your eyes and intone, 'Wrong.'
  • Step 4: Go deaf Develop a sudden hearing problem. Keep asking, 'What?' making them repeat everything six times. Ignore some things altogether, as if you just can’t be bothered straining to hear any longer.
  • TIP: When you offer a response, make it a wacky non sequitur. For example, if they ask what you majored in, say, 'I’ve been speaking in tongues since the fifth grade.'
  • Step 5: Check your phone Whip out your cell phone and start ignoring them as you check messages and text friends. Every once in a while, look up and laugh, as if you’re making fun of them.
  • Step 6: Disappear Still can’t shake them? Disappear. Get away from them, don’t answer your phone, don’t reply to emails. Anyone who’d still be hanging in at this point is either a complete wacko or the most clueless human in the world.
  • FACT: Nearly half of singles agree -- the best way to kill a conversation with a date is to talk about your past relationships.

You Will Need

  • Acting skills
  • Cell phone
  • Common sense

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