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How to Survive an Alien Abduction

Intergalactic ambassadors of peace? More like sneaky space creeps. Live through your ordeal with these tips.


  • Step 1: Use mental powers To resist a telepathic assault, focus your mental activity against mind control by centering your thoughts on the word "no."
  • TIP: Use aluminum foil or hubcaps for lasting protection against brain rays.
  • Step 2: Fight To resist a physical assault, act submissive and intellectually inferior. When your captor gets close enough, surprise them with your cunning and agility.
  • Step 3: Resist interrogation Refuse any demands to take them to your leader. The minute you do you've gone from useful informant to cosmic snack.
  • Step 4: Use biological warfare Try to contaminate your captors by sneezing, coughing, breathing, and being grody in their general direction. Aliens are notoriously susceptible to earthborn diseases.
  • Step 5: Fight high-tech with low-tech To fend off the dreaded probe and other so-called scientific experiments, just slip on a sturdy pair of reinforced undergarments. For continuous protection, wear these everyday under your regular clothing. Once the aliens realize they're not getting any "scientific data" from you, you'll be released alive, and with your earthling dignity intact. Or, they'll have you as a snack.
  • FACT: Physicist Stephen Hawking believes aliens are almost certain to exist, and that human contact with them would be extremely dangerous.

You Will Need

  • Mental focus
  • Acting ability
  • Brawling skills
  • Iron will
  • A disease
  • Reinforced undergarments
  • Aluminum foil or hubcaps (optional)

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