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How to Make Enemies

Are you tired of being liked, revered, respected, or admired? Spice things up by making a mortal enemy or two.


  • Step 1: Turn friends into enemies Look around. You’ve got a potential army of enemies standing right in front of you. They’re called friends! Failing to repay large sums of money, spreading rumors, and seducing their loved ones are great ways to give them the push they need towards enemy territory.
  • Step 2: Help your friends make enemies Be proactive! Spread the gospel by helping your friends make a few enemies of their own! You’ll be on their st list in no time.
  • Step 3: Turn coworkers into enemies It’s time to convert your coworkers. They may not like you, but they’re not your enemies—yet. Make 'office tattletale' your secret job description. Ask female coworkers how long they’ve been expecting. Start a personal boycott on flushing in the office bathroom.
  • Step 4: CC everyone you know It’s the 21st century. If you’re not CC’ing everyone you know on at least three or four joke forwards and chain letters every single day, you’re missing out on the opportunity to make LOTS of new enemies.
  • TIP: Always respond to mass e-mails you receive by Replying All. This will help get your name out there, and spread the word that you’re a complete dipst at the exact same time!
  • Step 5: Reach out to the community By now you probably don’t have anyone left in your life, so if you want to keep making enemies, you’ll need to reach out to the community. That’s the ticket!
  • Step 6: Visit your local restaurant You’ve had a long day. Reward yourself with a visit to your favorite local restaurant. But careful, don’t tip! For good measure, tell them your reasons. You’re making enemies like a champ.
  • FACT: The term 'public enemy number one' was first coined in 1924 to refer to convicted murder Gerald Chapman.

You Will Need

  • The desire to be disliked
  • A computer
  • Persistence

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