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How to Sell out

Are you a starving artist hungry for commercial success? Learn how to turn those intellectual properties into… actual properties.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Work as an artist Work as an artist for several years. This will not only ensure that you have honed your craft, but also make you destitute and ready to cash in.
  • TIP: If your government is supportive of the arts, think of moving somewhere else, like North Korea or America.
  • Step 2: Throw your integrity aside Throw your integrity aside. You won’t need it where you’re going, mister!
  • Step 3: Become one with the masses Turn your ear away from your own esoteric artistic preferences, and become one with the masses. Like what they like. Love what they love. Isn’t this fun?
  • Step 4: Have the time of your life Stop being ahead of your time, and start having the time of your life! The most financially successful artists make their fortunes challenging only a few mainstream conventions, if any.
  • Step 5: Find the right corporation You’ve completed your 'masterpiece.' Now find the right corporate interest to sell out to. It’s time to carefully weigh your personal values against your monetary potential. (Sometimes it helps to imagine a scale made of diamonds.)
  • TIP: A big part of selling out is knowing when to do it. Keep an eye out for deep pockets and avoid internet startups.
  • Step 6: Sign the dotted line Sign on the dotted line, Mr. Commercial Appeal! Congratulations! You’re a starving artist no more. It’s everything you ever dreamed of.
  • FACT: The Clash, The Who, Led Zeppelin, U2, The Ramones, Sting, and even Bob Dylan have been paid for allowing their music to be used in advertising.

You Will Need

  • Talent to exploit
  • Something to sell
  • Someone to sell out to
  • Desperation

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