How to Be a Lame Duck

People say "lame duck" like it's a bad thing. But there are definite perks to being on your way out of the Oval Office.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Foster new friendships As the president, you have the power to hand your friends a get-out-of-jail-free card. You may have used it responsibly while in office, but now that there are no consequences, go crazy! Pardon anyone and everyone who could be useful to you in civilian life.
  • TIP: Don't be hasty! See how many "gifts" you can accrue from people who want their loved ones sprung before you make any decisions.
  • Step 2: Reward loyal supporters Reward your most stalwart supporters with presidential appointments that the Senate doesn’t have to confirm, like cushy Caribbean ambassadorships.
  • Step 3: Declare war Declare war on Switzerland. How are you gonna stay neutral now, Miss Swiss Priss?
  • Step 4: Veto for fun and profit Veto legislation that is near and dear to your enemies' hearts, just for funsies. And veto anything that would increase taxes for the rich. (Who’s ever heard of a poor ex-President?)
  • Step 5: Relax! Take lots of long weekends. Who cares if the press calls you lazy?
  • TIP: Another bonus of being a lame duck? The press probably won’t pay attention to you at all.
  • Step 6: Have a sexcapade Go ahead -- enjoy an inappropriate relationship with that cute intern or lobbyist you've had your eye on. It's not like a sex scandal can take you down at this point.
  • Step 7: Enjoy Air Force One Enjoy Air Force One while you still can. And wouldn’t you enjoy it more if it were redecorated in a nice leopard print?
  • TIP: Waste some fuel doing flybys over the homes of old political rivals.
  • Step 8: Make some fast cash Make some fast cash renting out the Lincoln Bedroom.
  • Step 9: Deport annoying people Think ahead -- soon you’ll be a lowly average citizen. Deport anyone you find annoying so there’s no chance you’ll have to deal with them in the real world.
  • Step 10: Throw a party at Camp David Throw yourself a huge going-away party at Camp David. Don't worry your pretty little head about cleaning up for your successor.
  • Step 11: Send everyone $5,000 Sneak a resolution through Congress that gives every man, woman, and child in the U.S. a $5,000 check. Think of the instant goodwill! Sure, it will create a huge national deficit -- but that's not your problem anymore.
  • FACT: Franklin D. Roosevelt issued 3,687 pardons and commutations -- more than any other U.S. president!

You Will Need

  • Friends to pardon
  • Presidential appointments to make
  • Bills to veto
  • Executive orders
  • Long weekends
  • Cute intern or lobbyist
  • Camp David
  • A federal rebate program

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