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How to Win a Fight If You're Kind of a Sissy

Forced to fight when you'd rather flee? Even if your knees are knocking, you can still knock your opponent out cold.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Use psychology Take the fight out of your foe. As you square off, bring up reasons not to fight, including trouble with the authorities, inevitable exhaustion, the beauty of nonviolence, and pop psychology. Your opponent may walk away just to shut you up.
  • Step 2: Fake and break Take a page from Sun Tzu's Art of War: Feign disorder and crush them! As your opponent moves to strike you, double over and scream as though you've already been hit. When they stop and look around confusedly, punch them in the stomach.
  • TIP: If you're opponent doesn't believe you're hurt, start crying until your opponent feels so bad they let their guard down. Then, strike!
  • Step 3: Use a brief offensive As soon as the fight begins, run up to your opponent and punch them as hard as you can. In the moment it takes them to recover, have a friend break up the fight -- as the only one to throw a punch, you win by default!
  • Step 4: Use your surroundings Look for an obstacle in the fight area. Move in front of it, then tease your opponent until they're so enraged, they charge at you wildly. At the last second, step to the side, letting them run into the object.
  • Step 5: Go (for the) nuts Fight dirty like the sissy you are. Throw sand in your opponent's eyes, bite their arms, ears, or legs, pull their hair, and hit them below the belt. Remember: you're trying to win a fight, not make friends.
  • FACT: In 2009, a British youth group set a record for the world's largest custard pie fight, with over 250 people and 648 pies.

You Will Need

  • Opponent
  • Pop psychology
  • Deception
  • Friend
  • Obstacle

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