How to Get Healthy without Losing Your Street Cred

Worried you can't improve yourself and maintain your rep? Here's how you can get a rock-hard body without looking soft.

Instructions

  • : While this video is awesome, it didn't go to medical school. Always consult your doctor for actual medical advice.
  • Step 1: Dress to impress Look the part when you work out. Wear an ironic T-shirt that seems like its been through the wash a few times. Roll new sneakers in dirt before wearing them, so no one thinks you're trying too hard.
  • TIP: If you're a guy, wear shorts that fall at or below knee level. Leg hair and package size have no bearing on keeping it real, only on grossing people out.
  • Step 2: Eat right Ask for the right food in the right way. Go for grilled meat and vegetables when you're out on the town to get protein and nutrients without the stigma of ordering salad. Swallow shots of wheatgrass in one gulp and slam the glass down with authority afterward.
  • Step 3: Have a goal Train for something; a goal makes anything sound more legit. Tell people you're getting in shape for charity. Even if you can't run more than a mile now, the mere whiff of compassion can deflect even the most cynical hipster's comments.
  • Step 4: Get on the ball Incorporate a leather medicine ball into your workout. Using equipment that dates back several thousand years clearly demonstrates you're not some wuss who needs modern convenience to get results.
  • TIP: Use obscure units like hectares and furlongs if people ask about your workout, both to show you're old school and to hide deficiencies in your current fitness level.
  • Step 5: Get wet Forget the pool and go swimming in a commercial waterway; swimming burns up to 400 calories in 30 minutes and dealing with floating garbage, weather changes, and passing ships proves you're a bad ass.
  • Step 6: Play between the sheets Get busy with your significant other. Studies show getting freaky burns calories, decreases stress, relieves pain, guards against prostate cancer, and improves immunity and cardiovascular health. Plus, it'll increase your street cred tenfold!
  • FACT: In 2007, adventurer Lewis Pugh became the first person on record to complete a long-distance swim at the North Pole.

You Will Need

  • Goal
  • Leather medicine ball
  • Commercial waterway
  • Ironic T-shirt
  • Knee-length shorts (optional)
  • Charity (optional)

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