How to Avoid World Cup Hooligans

Hooligans -- scourges of the soccer stadium, ruining football games for fans everywhere. With a few tips, you can avoid them at the World Cup

Instructions

  • Step 1: Don't take it Stand your ground against a single hooligan; they might seem rabid, but hooligans are just brawlers who fancy football. Treat them like any other bully and show them you're not afraid -- they'll likely move on to an easier target.
  • TIP: If you lack courage, bring a brawny friend for backup.
  • Step 2: Play possum If a crowd of hooligans starts to riot around you, dab some fake blood on the corners of your mouth, slump in your seat, and act like you're dead -- or so badly beaten that only a complete coward would inflict further pain on you.
  • Step 3: Buy them off Offer the offenders a bribe -- tickets to a future World Cup game, free beer, discounts on dental work -- whatever will get the hooligans to leave you alone.
  • TIP: Bring a pen and draw up a contract outlining your arrangement -- the hooligan can sign with an X.
  • Step 4: Join the crowd If you can't avoid the hooligans, join them! Put on their team's jersey and mime fighting with rival fans as you move quickly and quietly towards the exit. That way, you'll live long enough to attend another World Cup.
  • Step 5: Get out of there Out of ways to avoid the rabble-rousers? Kick up your heels, pick up any children you brought with you, and flee the scene.
  • FACT: In 1314, King Edward II of England outlawed soccer in an effort to quell the civil unrest associated with local football matches.

You Will Need

  • Courage
  • Fake blood
  • Bribe
  • Jersey
  • Speed
  • Brawny friend (optional)
  • Pen (optional)

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