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How to Write a Summer Blockbuster

In a world where audiences need entertainment, where Hollywood needs box-office receipts, and where you need something to do, there's only one solution: write a summer blockbuster.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Blow it up Create an action-packed thrill ride. Include a dashing hero who defeats a devious villain, wins a sexy love interest, and goes from narcissist to selfless savior, all in 90 minutes. Blow things up often to remind the audience of the movie's high stakes -- and because it's freakin' sick!
  • Step 2: Animate it Send a cute, social-outcast object or animal on an animated adventure. Have them join other misunderstood creatures to solve a problem and return home, all while making oblique yet bawdy sexual references.
  • TIP: If possible, write a song for the soundtrack about friendship to help you win awards.
  • Step 3: Go over-the-top Script an insane comedy. Include plenty of potty humor and ridiculous lines that make people laugh too hard to notice that the main character has learned nothing, and that the world might actually be a better place without them in it.
  • Step 4: Bring it to life Use characters from old toys, cartoons, or comic books in a live-action film, and give the audience a chance to reconnect with its past. Take the plot in an implausibly dark direction so studio execs think you're a psychotic genius rather than a lazy hack with a Peter Pan complex.
  • TIP: If your chosen throwback toy or cartoon doesn't lend itself to a blockbuster film, distract filmgoers with gratuitous nudity.
  • Step 5: Pack it in Stuff all the elements into one incredible hodgepodge. Use old characters in a movie with multiple explosions, animated sequences, and tons of fart jokes. Just make sure to leave room for your hero to save the day in future movies -- the only thing more successful than a summer blockbuster is its sequel.
  • FACT: Jaws, released in 1975, is often considered the first summer blockbuster.

You Will Need

  • Pen
  • Willingness to pander
  • Plot (optional)
  • Wit (optional)
  • Imagination (optional)

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