How to Manage Your Sex Tape

These days, everyone who's anyone has their own sex tape. Learn how to protect — or perhaps promote — yours.

You will need

  • A locked box
  • The ability to lie
  • Publicity

Step 1 Keep faces obscured When you’re making a sex tape, take care to keep your face obscured. That way, should the tape ever fall into the wrong hands, you’re less likely to be identified.

Step 2 Keep it locked away Keep your sex tape in a locked box. You don’t want small children or anyone’s parents to stumble upon it.

Step 3 Don't "hide" it in a mislabeled case Don’t “hide” it in a mislabeled case. It always ends badly.

Step 4 Don't leave it If you take your tape out to watch it, leave something out to visibly remind yourself to put it away when you’re done. It only takes leaving it in the DVD player once…

Step 5 Dispose of it safely If you decide to throw your tape out, destroy it thoroughly beforehand. Once it’s tossed in the garbage, it’s no longer your property.

Step 6 Deny, deny, deny If your sex tape somehow slipped through your hands and gets posted on the internet without your knowledge or permission, deny that it’s you. Talk about the disgusting things “any dope with Photoshop and a dream” can do these days.

Step 7 Capitalize on it So that birthmark on your shoulder shaped like the Eiffel tower gave you away? Take advantage of this unfortunate twist by forcing the person who leaked the tape to cut you in on the deal to avoid a lawsuit.

Step 8 Publicize the tape Maximize profits by giving numerous interviews about how mortified you are by the tape and how dearly you wish it would all just go away.

Step 9 Keep a copy Whatever you do, keep a copy of the original tape so one day you can sit back in your rocking chair and relive your lusty, hard-bodied past.