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How to Get Rich

Ready to make a bundle? It's easy if you destroy your competitors and ignore your conscience!


  • Step 1: Look for land Get into real estate. Once you own some viable properties, increase revenue by raising rents relentlessly and save money by cutting off your buildings' nonessentials like heat and hot water. Remember: people are naturally warm-blooded.
  • Step 2: Strike it rich Become an oil baron. Find a reserve and start drilling. Devise a new distribution chain for your petroleum supply, form a monopoly with the resulting money, and watch your wealth grow almost as fast as the hair on your handlebar mustache.
  • Step 3: Ride the airwaves Make it as a media mogul. Develop a distinct style and translate it into a clothing line, record label, personal scent, T.V. show, book club, magazine, production company, and restaurant chain. Put your name on all of your products, no matter how ridiculous it sounds.
  • TIP: Make the occasional drastic change in your relationship status, appearance, or speech pattern, which you can publicize via the media you control.
  • Step 4: Get technical Establish yourself as a computer nerd. Lock yourself in your garage and learn about programming languages, hi-tech devices, and software applications until you see a tiny opening you can fill. Convince others to build your idea into their systems, use the resulting patent windfall to buy out these individuals, and integrate their products to enhance your own empire.
  • Step 5: Offer low, low prices Open a super-store. Stock a wide variety of items in tremendous quantities, marking them all at a lower price than your competitors to become the only game in town. Host concerts, picnics, and charity events to brainwash the local community into wanting to work for you. Once you employ the entire county, become the mayor.
  • TIP: Erect a statue of yourself in the city's central square so no one forgets who's in charge.
  • Step 6: Play the market Start a hedge fund. Figure out what a hedge fund does, then do it. If you can't figure out what they do, install an office in your home, buy a suit, and print business cards that tell people you're a hedge-fund owner; people will bring their money to you anyway.
  • FACT: In 2007, Scrooge McDuck topped Forbes magazine's list of the world's wealthiest fictional individuals. Montgomery Burns placed sixth, and Bruce Wayne was eighth.

You Will Need

  • Idea
  • Ruthlessness

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