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How to Be a Hot Mess

Whether you aspire to be a hot mess, or want to know what exactly a hot mess is so you'll never be called one, these guidelines will help.


  • Step 1: Figure out your size Figure out what your ideal dress size is, then squeeze into clothes that are 2 sizes smaller than that.
  • Step 2: Dress carefully Wear your bottoms low and your tops high so you'll always have a muffin top, even if you're not overweight. Pair ripped pantyhose with hot pants and always wear shoes too high for you to walk in gracefully.
  • Step 3: Find a hairstyle Find a hairstyle befitting a hot mess. Choices include clip-on extensions that don't hide the clips very well, a fried perm, a mullet, a reverse mullet, or hair bumped up 3 inches at the crown.
  • TIP: To be a really hot mess, combine 2 or more of these hairstyles.
  • Step 4: Wear the right makeup Wear the right makeup: non-waterproof mascara, blue eye shadow, and lip liner darker than your lipstick. No need for foundation thanks to your tan: either lie in a tanning bed until your skin is the texture and color of well-done bacon, or pile on the fake stuff that turns you orange.
  • Step 5: Drink to excess Drink too much. Lose your lunch in public. Swear you'll never drink again. Repeat the next day.
  • Step 6: Put it all together Master any one of these steps and you'll be a hot mess. Put them all together and a whole new hot mess category will have to be invented for you.
  • FACT: "Hot mess" is believed to have originated from the image of a steaming dog pile.

You Will Need

  • Tight clothes
  • Bad hairstyle
  • Tacky makeup
  • Tan
  • Alcohol

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