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How Not to Get Mugged

The streets can be rough. Don’t be this guy—a few simple precautions will keep the muggers off your back.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Put away iPod Put away that iPod. Stick it in your pocket until you’re somewhere safe.
  • Step 2: Put wallet in front pocket If you carry a wallet, don’t keep it in your back pocket. Instead, put it in a front pocket. Better still, keep money in your socks.
  • Step 3: Wear stained shirt Instead of a pink polo, try a white T-shirt—with stains.
  • TIP: If you must wear expensive clothes, consider buying a cheap jacket at a thrift store. Once you’re at your destination you can throw it away.
  • Step 4: Don't act like tourist Stop staring up at buildings like a tourist. Try to seem familiar with your environment. Periodically yell, 'Benny! Where you at!'
  • Step 5: Adopt angry glare Adopt an angry glare.
  • TIP: If you’re having trouble looking mad, imagine you just bought a used T.V. But when you got home and plugged it in, it was broke.
  • Step 6: Project confidence While maintaining your angry glare, do your best to project confidence. Like dogs, muggers can smell fear. Pretend that you’re a judo master, or that you have retractable adamantium claws.
  • FACT: Because of its tiny number of residents, Vatican City has the highest per capita crime rate of any country in the world.

You Will Need

  • Pockets
  • Worn clothing
  • Angry glare

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