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How to Have a Celebrity Meltdown

The next time you have a hissy fit, do it in style -- star-style! Here's how.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Berate a minion Berate a minion, preferably in public. Stick to a profanity-laced verbal lashing, or include physical violence, like throwing a telephone at someone's head or attacking their car with an umbrella.
  • TIP: Take your temper tantrum to the next level with racism or misogyny.
  • Step 2: Act psychotic Behave psychotically during your celebrity meltdown: Wander the streets babbling incoherently; break into a stranger's home to take a nap; hide in someone's bushes; or say you'll take everyone to heaven in a spaceship.
  • Step 3: Display arrogance Display breathtaking arrogance by claiming to have superior knowledge or supernatural powers. Make it clear that you truly believe you are better than everyone else and -- gosh darn it -- you're no longer going to pretend otherwise.
  • Step 4: Get caught in a sex scandal Become embroiled in a sex scandal in a way that has people scratching their heads and thinking, "Did they want to get caught?"
  • TIP: Offer a flimsy excuse, like you were just trying to counsel that transvestite.
  • Step 5: Play the blame game Blame your celebrity meltdown on addiction or abuse. Or check yourself into the hospital for "exhaustion" -- a condition that seems to affect pampered stars disproportionately compared with the average working stiff.
  • Step 6: Enjoy your comeback Enjoy your comeback! Because there's no celebrity meltdown so great that you can't rebound from it -- and be a bigger jackass than ever.
  • FACT: 30 percent of Americans believe singing sensation Justin Bieber will be in celebrity rehab by the time he's 30.

You Will Need

  • Minion to berate
  • Psychotic behavior
  • Arrogance
  • Sex scandal
  • Rehab or hospital
  • Racism (optional)
  • Misogyny (optional)
  • Flimsy excuse (optional)
  • Soundproofing and recording equipment (optional)

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