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How to Survive a Horror Movie

Pack of zombies or serial killer hot on your trail? Paranormal activity becoming the norm? Newsflash: you're in a horror movie! Here's how to avoid the cliches and survive your ordeal.


  • Step 1: Head for the hills If you're being chased, head for well-lit, populated areas or a hideout with easy-access exits. Running into the woods or a dark basement is a major no-no.
  • Step 2: Listen for noises Something go bump in the night? It's bad to investigate it alone -- but it's worse to completely ignore it. Treat every squeak and creak like it's Satan himself coming at you.
  • TIP: When checking out creepy sounds, never say things like, "I'll be right back." It's a one-way ticket to the slaughterhouse.
  • Step 3: Keep it in your pants Keep your hormones in check if you want to survive a horror movie. Homicidal maniacs are drawn to throes of passion like a moth to a flame.
  • Step 4: On the road Hitting the open road is always fun -- until you drive straight into the bowels of hell. Never take directions from sketchy locals, and be sure you know how to perform simple maintenance on your car.
  • TIP: Use a GPS device for easy navigation, and always keep your phone charged.
  • Step 5: Note changes in loved ones Still alive? Great! Stay that way by immediately addressing any suspicious changes in your family or friends. They very well could be possessed or playing host to a killer parasite.
  • TIP: Contact your local priest or exorcist ASAP before the situation gets out of hand.
  • Step 6: Never split up Never, and we mean never, split up if you're going through this nightmarish experience in a group. There’s safety in numbers, and besides, who wants to die alone?
  • FACT: Released in 1896, the 3-minute short Le Manoir du Diable is considered to be the first horror film.

You Will Need

  • Common sense

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